inland Cali

Living inland in California makes tanning a little more difficult then what most people would think being a Californian and tanning would entail. We don’t have pristine beach’s closer than 2 hours away, we don’t have noisy pelicans waking us up at 5am instead of roosters and there aren’t guys walking in thongs (flipflops) with surfboards under their arms.

What we do have here in inland California is lakes. Lots of lakes with few beaches. It’s just not the same to sit on a beach with motionless water and it certainly isn’t the same to swim in water where you know there is no chance to be eaten by a great white shark. I mean, where’s the fun in that? We all need some excitement and if I need to find some water with festering, hungry sharks to get my kicks then that’s what im going to do.

The biggest problem I have with inland Cali is there is nowhere to tan. I don’t have a pool. My neighbour who is often out of state doesn’t have a pool. Lakes are boring to tan by – atleast at a beach you could at any time see some surfer dude eaten by a festering, hungry shark and im certainly not going to open the window of my bathroom and sit in the bathtub for an hour.

This brings me to the solarium. These things are everywhere! California is being overtaken my sun centre’s and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it. This is how us inland folk roll. We don’t pack our towel, sunscreen, hat and radio. Hell, we bring our eye goggles, tanning lotion and face towel to our local tan centre and climb our happy asses into those uncomfortable burning beds.

This is where I have issue with our cancer inducing ways. Surely there is a better way to colour ourselves then lay in a plastic bed full of bright bulbs, and if not, can’t we make this non permanent colour change more permanent?

I walk through the doors of my tanning centre, pay the $20 per month for membership, pay an extra $39 for 250 credits so I can use the upgrade beds and only then is it time to enter the tiny rooms decorated with beautiful women with killer tans. I do this 3 times a week god damnit!

They always have young girls working at the counter, also with killer tans, always showing some sort of cleavage. They always offer to give you a deal on new cream, I always decline stating “I don’t use cream; it takes way to long to grease myself up with that stuff with minimal results”.

Once past the prancing staff they stuff you into a room the size of Paris Hiltons jail cell and lock you in where you have to get naked and lay down for 12-15 minutes having warm air blown into things you’d rather not have. After it’s all said and done you walk out of there with hair scrunched, a red face and a big smile to go with it looking like you’ve just whacked off.

I don’t know, maybe the whole tanning thing seems so unnatural without white sand, bikini’s and sparkling water close by. I think next time ill bring a bottle water in and splash it around and bring my beach towel to dry off for shits and giggles. That outta make the experience a little more enjoyable.