Australian FAQ's

Below me are the 10 most frequently asked questions I get asked here in the States. You lot here are very quick to spot an Australian and the very moment you snitch me out you invariably always have one of the following questions for me.

“Do you Surf?” No I don’t but if you are hot, yes I do. This stereotype that people have with Australians and surfing is so far engrained in these people’s heads I feel like I should be walking with a surfboard and driving a 67’ V-dub. I mean, I shamelessly tan to keep up with their constant you-must-be-dark-cuz-you-surf mantra. *sigh*. I think California Sun Centers secretly pays people around me so I will tan religiously and uphold my monthly monetary deduction for their services.

“Oh your Australian? It would be so cool to see Kangaroos just hoping around.” I know this isn’t a question but it shits me more then Mijo leaving a dirty shit of his own on my expensive wooden floor. The fact is I have never seen a kangaroo or Koala or Emu or fuckin wombat anywhere other then a fuckin zoo. Actually that’s a lie. I have seen maybe 4-5 kangaroos while driving but they have all had their brains scattered across the footpath from previous motorists who probably were Americans trying to get a picture of them.

“Is your money really plastic?” Yes it is. Pretty cool huh? And no you cant rip it, even if you try to. It can be annoying at times though because it doesn’t fold easily, however, if you wash your jeans with a 20 in the pocket it’s good to go straight away. I do prefer the greenback’s though. Too much coinage in Australia.

“Do you eat vegemite all day?” Oh yeah, that’s all we aussies do all day is stuff our pie hole’s with black stanky, gel like muck that tastes absolutely horrid and smells even worse. If I had to eat that sherm all day id rather up and move to France where they eat brains and frogs legs. Atleast that has some sort of nutritional goodness and don’t let those hobo Australians tell you that crap has Vitamin D in it, I could give you something that has a lot more. if you know what I mean.

“What kind of money do you use?” I am American but I also consider myself Australian but deep down if I had to pick, I would say im American. So it deeply troubles me that Americans are so self-absorbed that they know nothing that happens around them but for their own country. The news has nothing of world events. Even your NBC world news is only called ‘World News’ because its based on news from Afghanistan and Iraq which focuses on the States being in the middle east. Com’on people! Educate yourselves on something other then what your neighbor is doing.

We use the Australian dollar. Our Prime Minister (not President) is John Howard and we have summer when you have winter. Got it? Gotcha!

“What’s the outback like?” About as boring as South Dakota only a lot more alcohol and bugs that can kill you. There is a big rock out there too that you can’t miss unless your blind and even then you’ll probably bang in to it.

“Crikey mate!” You have to imagine saying it with a funny American accent, much more like, “criky mouyte”. I also realize this isn’t a question but you would be AMAZED at how often I hear this phrase even when no one is talking to me. Ill be sitting at my desk and ill hear a “criky mouyte!” for no apparent reason. Ill pop and say ‘hey dude, like, shut the fuck up. Ok?” in my superfluous American accent.

“Do you guys drink Foster’s?” That would be a no. Why? Because they don’t fuckin sell it in Australia. What? Aaah,Yes! Fosters is probably the hardest beer to find in Australia. That doesn’t make sense?? Yes it does. Fosters is not “Australian for beer’ its ‘Australian for shit beer’. Australians drink much classier beer such as VB (better known as Vaginal backwash) and XXXX (Four X – not porn related).

“Do you know Steve Irwin?” uuuh no. He’s dead and I didn’t know him when he was alive. Why would I? Do you know Michael Jackson, Madonna or Tom Cruise? No. Granted, their aren’t an influx of famous people from Australia but that doesn’t mean that I do know the ones who are.

“Can you guys drink as much as we think you can?” This is a very interesting question. There are so many levels for which to answer this on. First of all, id love to see what they are watching to see this behavior because if its any kind of Australian football or sporting event of any kind really, they are probably getting a pretty good glimpse at how much Australians can really drink. They get belligerent, distasteful and aggressive and are supremely proud of it. The British can probably down a little more then the casual Aussie but you will be hard pressed to drink one under the table because even if they think they will lose, they wont stop. They will drink till their hand can’t lift another beer to their mouth and all the while ranting “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi, Oi ,Oi!!”.

I can’t wait to go back to Australia (2 weeks) and share with you all the 10 most frequently asked questions I get from Australians about the States.

Peace!